Im at strip club and am horny
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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