Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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