We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize