She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
