Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
