he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize