theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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