I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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