I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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