I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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