I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
