1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
