best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
