i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
