you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Enjoy the penises
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
