I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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