My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize
