Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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