What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
