Barsexuality is the new black.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Sober January is a disaster.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
