omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
