FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize