the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
