Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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