How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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