i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
