I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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