i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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