In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
