He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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