I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I am available for nakedness
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
