I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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