i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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