Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
