gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
