apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
We got so high we made milksteak
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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