She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
