When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I am midnight drunk by noon
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
