Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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