Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
