We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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