I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
