Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize