someone owes me an orgasm
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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