Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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