Girls should come with a carfax report
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
