Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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