If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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