Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
oh god was she eating orange peels again
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
