The maid of honor just puked.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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