My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize