Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
