you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
