Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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