you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
