EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
