They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
