Will you blow on my dice?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
