He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
