I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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