You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
