I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
